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Her Lullaby
The Harder the Conflict...
by Hestia Hesperus
August, 2031
Lyonesse couldn't sleep.
This, in and of itself, was not an unusual occurrence. Perhaps it was the fact that it was Den night and she was in a room full of breathing, snoring, restless people. Or that half of those people were in animal form, which provided light grumbles, squeaks, and purring to the usual human snore. Although, it could also be due to the fact that she was naturally a cat—and though she wasn't transformed at the moment, her senses were heightened merely by the coincidence of her being half-feline.
But although all of those were factors for her state of insomnia, she knew without even guessing what the real reason was.
They're gone.
That morning (or yesterday morning, rather, judging by the numbers on the clock) nine members of the Pack, all of them girls, were taken by the government out of Sanctuary and away from the Pack, and Bastet had been one of them.
The sick feeling she had gotten in her stomach when she watched them drive away, and the looks on everyone's faces afterwards…she knew she'd never forget. Watching them out the gates, not even knowing if she'd ever see any of them again, hearing some sobs beside her and a few people running off, no doubt to find their own private place to vent all their feelings…then finally turning around to find everyone still left looking at her.
I don't know what got me through the day, honestly…but whatever it was must have been Divine.
As it was, being strong for not only herself but for the whole Pack for the entire day had took a toll on her, and when everyone was finally happier and watching movies to try to keep their minds off of the quarter of the Pack that wasn't there…only then did she slip away unnoticed and lock herself in her room to break down and rant and scream at the heavens as she would.
And it had helped…she thought she just needed a release, but she had needed realization as well. So that when she came back out of that room, she was sure enough of what to do…and strong enough to actually do it.
So that night, the Pack was gathered. Besides the obvious missing members—everyone kept glancing at the spot Bastet usually took up during past Dens, and it was quite clear that curled-up Callisto, the ever-excited chipmunks, calm Snowtips, happy Amphie, were emphatically not there—were those who were too torn up by a certain Packmate that they hadn't come out of hiding yet. Lyonesse had found Nanuq fast asleep after hours of raging and subconsciously took off his shoes and put a blanket around him like she would a brother…for that was very much what he had become to her the past half-a-year. It had taken almost an hour to find poor Terry curled up in form underneath Snowy's pillow—she had mistook him for a stuffed animal the first time around—and Liam had taken even longer to coax out of his own hiding place, only to race back under the fridge after seeing Odysseus watching him. And Anubis…poor Anubis who had not one but all three of his sisters taken away, leaving him alone with the people he really hadn't known very long and wasn't all too sure how much he wanted to be there still, without them.
And it broke my heart to watch Perry fly off into the tops of the trees where none of us can reach him…I think he really does love her…
And try as Nuala, Mishka, Yo-Yo, and Brushytail might, he still refused to come down.
It was a very small Pack indeed that gathered that night in an unspoken agreement, not wanting to be alone in their rooms on the night that they were split up. With a quarter of them off in another state and another quarter missing in their home, Lyonesse didn't have much heart at all to want to call Den. But as she looked around at the tired, forlorn faces and saw how scared they all were at the not-knowing of whether the sick girls would even come back…she realized just how much they all needed it now of all times.
And in that moment, the sheer responsibility of it all suddenly hit her. Bastet was gone, Callisto, Perry, Nanuq…all of the older members of the Pack were gone, leaving her not just in charge, but the eldest out of all the members of their group.
No…they're not all gone…I still have Beowulf. She looked beside her at the only other “official Pack leader” present and he gave her a grim smile. And I know that I can count on Circuit, Yatzi, Brushy, Benji and everyone else to do the best they can and help each other. Because we're a Pack.
And so, she began it.
“Be welcome, all, to this emergency Den,” she had said. “We are Pack now, for although we are a Pack divided, we are still a Pack united. Pack together…Pack forever.”
“Pack forever,” the twenty voices replied, rather feeble at first but grew stronger after hearing it echo around the room.
“Who will tell us a story? Who will remind us of what it means to be a Pack?” Beowulf then asked the room at large.
For a while no one spoke. Then Ayatzi hesitated from where she was cuddling with a black and white dog, Lyonesse noted with a twinge of envy, followed almost immediately by guilt.
Richard can't take as much time off as James can, he's got a bigger responsibility, she had scolded herself, and you acting this way every time you see a Pack couple cuddle together just because they can isn't helping anything, for him or for you. Deal with it.
She shoved her thoughts on her fiancé to the back of her mind and listened to Yatzi tell a short story that involved Amphitrite, a barrel of apples, and the saddle the Pack had given her and James last Christmas. By the time she was finished, people had broken out into giggles or smiles and Lyonesse silently applauded the horse theri for thinking up something to relieve their minds on the situation as it stood.
Soon after, tales were told and retold of the sicker theris as the Pack brought to light all the good times they'd had together. Some of the stories Lyonesse had never even heard before, which surprised her—perhaps she really didn't know everyone as much as she thought—and succeeded in stirring her resolve to help them more and become closer to everyone.
And so the night had worn on, and after she had gone into the details of her own story of Bastet and their first meeting which led to the Pack being formed, that many of the newer Pack members hadn't heard before, then more than a few joined in a few rounds of Murder in the Dark, Charades, and form hide-and-seek.
For a few blissful minutes, she could believe that everything was back to normal—the Pack whole and safe inside Den, no one sick or hurt or dying…before she'd turn to her side where Bastet always seemed to be…and find her not there anymore.
After a while the Pack drifted off to sleep in their various forms in their various places. Everyone that was, except for her…
Feeling rather restless and mindful once more of her conscious state, she sighed and silently cursed, turning over onto her back and staring up at the ceiling. With everyone asleep and the room dark and silent, her fears from before were starting to bite at her again. The euphoria of being with what was left of the Pack had worn off a while ago and now—whether it was not being able to fall asleep or just wanting to be alone—all she wanted was to curl up in her own bed and fall asleep with her Danger.
But it didn't look like she'd be getting any sleep tonight now.
Oh, for the love of Theito's thrice-blessed cupa!
The past week had been really hard for her. She had had another string of nightmares, resulting in her reluctance of going to bed and fear of falling asleep. She had gotten so that she'd stay awake for hours, prowling around Den between watching a movie or two and writing some more to submit to the International Society of the Iron Pen—anything rather than going to bed. And now it had become more habit than irrational anxiety.
When Bastet first found out about it, she tried to get her to call in the Sanctuary doctor to prescribe some mild drugs or sleeping pills that might help, but Lyonesse had been adamant. Bastet wasn't supposed to have found out in the first place, but she had grown rather suspicious when Lyonesse had turned up with a forty-page manuscript of what had started out as a short story, when no one had even seen the lioness theri near a computer for days. Coupled with that and Bastet's room being right beside hers, and the walls being rather thin which meant she could probably hear the growls from her waking up from nightmares in form and the creaks of her bed as she tossed and turned, Lyonesse really shouldn't have been all that surprised.
It's not like it was that hard for her to put two and two together. But…maybe she was right…maybe I should do something about it…but then, what's there to do? I don't do well with drugs, whether they're trying to help or not. I hate even taking a capsule or two of Aspirin, I always have…although that's probably because I've seen the effects drugs have on people first hand…
She shuddered a little and tried to wipe the memory from her mind of going to Lysander's house when they were younger and seeing what had happened to his mother—she remembered the first time he took her to his home and she met his parents and saw how he lived, she'd had nightmares for a month after that.
Besides that was all the times the two had seen the influence of drugs in the city, even witnessing for themselves just how much the substances had to do with the gangs and sway of power.
Suffice it to say, I really don't want to have to resort to that, she thought, sighing and absent-mindedly fingering the scar on her throat.
So…maybe it's a good thing Bast isn't here to guilt me into doing something about it. Not that I'd know what to do that would work, other than sleeping pills. But there might be some herbal supplements or homeopathic remedy that could help more than hinder—after all, they say I'm the relationship guru…might as well just conform to my abnormal gurustic ways, light some incense, don a cloak and head-dress and proceed to levitate off the floor…
She smirked at the image that conjured.
Of course that might work better if “gurustic” were actually in the dictionary. It should be…although I suppose there'd be a debate on whether it was related to the word “rustic” or not. Though how they'd pull off calling me rustic if I could defy the law of Le Sage's theory of gravitation is beyond me.
Grinning, she turned over onto her side so that she was facing the room. She had been granted to sleep on the long couch in the Den room, although that might just have been because she was one of the few in human form. Giving precedence over the couch as opposed to vying with the others for spots on the floor was granted as a seat of honor and the Pack traded it off between them bimonthly. The Den room had two couches—one three-cushioned couch and a love-seat—and a few other chairs. The rule of the couch for Den sleeping arrangements applied to one human; but unfortunately, it never said just how many theri forms were allowed…
At the moment, in fact, Lyonesse was currently sharing it with more of the…unlikelier forms. One long cougar was asleep on the back of the couch, threatening to fall onto her at any moment; a turtle and mouse were curled up together somewhere near her head; two foxes were stretched out on her legs; and it took a moment for her to realize that the stuffed penguin she was holding was not, in fact, a stuffed animal, but rather an unstuffed Cuddles.
‘Something tells me it's all happening at the zoo…I do believe it…I do believe it's true…’ She hummed, thinking that any other song couldn't have been more appropriate.
As funny as this is, though, I really do want to get up. She sighed, noticing her predicament and began to carefully maneuver herself around the animals. But as it turned out, untangling herself from the mass of fur, shell, and feathers turned out to be a lot more difficult than she thought.
After ten minutes of struggle, she finally managed to wiggle her way out to safety. She set Cuddles softly back on the pillow and was about to turn away when Nilaya finally gave way, landing on the spot she had just vacated with a thump, her tail narrowly missing Kal's head.
Lyonesse froze, certain that the cougar would wake up instantly. But, remarkably, she only heard a soft snort and grunt before Nils’ breathing went back to normal.
She bit back a chuckle, not wanting to wake up anyone with sensitive ears, and turned her focus on getting out of the room. Forms were sprawled all over the floor, cats were on the mantle, two wolves and a coyote had taken possession of the armchair…even the resident Komodo dragon was taking up the big space in the corner usually left for the two snugglebears, with a hamster, mouse, cat, dog, and duck curled up beside her or on top of her for company.
Not wanting to step on anyone important, Lyonesse concentrated hard on her lion senses, feeling them take control of a part of her mind for a moment. Then when she opened her eyes again, she could see clearly through the dark as though it were day, making it much easier to find her way through the therianthropy labyrinth. Closer to the doorway, however, she had to get creative and step onto an empty chair to avoid disturbing a large mass of fur that gleamed white and black in the moonlight, proving to be Thora the tiger.
Finally clear of the room, Lyonesse began to patrol the Den.
She crept down the darkened hallway, a sleek golden form that stood at waist-height. Her paws could barely be heard as she ascended the stairs, flicking her tail lazily when she saw a certain butterfly flitting through the air around her. She nuzzled Alisa the butterfly as she landed atop her muzzle, before the smaller, colorful theri took off again and fluttered down the stairs towards the Den room.
No sooner had the butterfly left, Lyonesse heard a sound. Her ears pricked up and she quietly crept into a room with the door ajar. A small panther was curled up inside a pile of discarded clothes on the floor, making a noise that sounded somewhere between mewing, purring, and sniffling.
The lioness was beside the black jaquar immediately, nuzzling and licking her face in an effort to cheer her up. Elektra opened her eyes and retransformed, throwing her arms around Lyonesse and hugging her tightly as she buried her face in her fur. Lyonesse followed suit, which was rather difficult with the younger girl holding on as tight as she was.
When the last of her fur had left her skin, however, she was able to hold and rock the girl slightly as she cried, pouring out her troubles in a muffled string of words.
It didn't take a mastermind to tell that she was the most upset about Bastet and Snowy being gone. Out of all the Pack, she was closer to them than she was to anyone else, save Mesi.
“And it's not fair that they have to be sick! It's not, it's not. Snowy is so sweet and nice and she wouldn't harm anybody at all unless they were hurting her Pack. And Bastet, she's, well…Bastet. Everybody loves her. What're we going to do without them, Lyon? I want them back…”
Lyonesse sighed and hugged tightly. “I do too, ’Lektra. We all do. But there's nothing we can do to bring them back. All we can do is be strong and help them while they're separated from the Pack. You can do that, can't you?”
“I don't know…” Elektra sniffled. “I want to help, but it's so hard…”
“It doesn't have to be. Do you think Bastet would want us to be mopey and sulky the whole time she's gone? Or would she rather she get emails and love from us every day and stories of all the good things happening?”
“She'd want me to be happy, I guess, but how can we when so many of us are gone?” she asked.
Lyonesse paused. “We had Den night tonight. Didn't you have fun when you and Kami were chasing each other around the room during tag? Or when Roja pretended to eat Finch during Charades so that someone could finally guess Sylvester and Tweety? Or when you and Ody performed that duet, Under the Bamboo Tree, for everyone with your saxophones?”
A grin started to spread across the younger girl's face. “Yeah…that was fun…”
“Aha! A smile! I knew you had one in you…” Lyonesse teased. “And that's proof that we are quite capable of having fun without them. Not because we don't miss them…but because we do. And the greatest way to get over missing someone isn't curling up in our forms and resolving never to be happy again, but it's being happy and having fun even while we're missing them.”
Elektra looked up. “But how did you know that's what I was thinking? I thought…well…during Den, I was happy. But then I remembered that Snowy's not here or Bast, and I thought that it was wrong of me to be happy when they're sick and can't be happy… Isn't it?”
“Oh, of course not! Why would it be wrong of you to want happiness, especially when it's in no way your fault that others can't have it? Happiness isn't a sin…it's not wrong to want something that's good,” she said, then added with a grin, “And besides…whoever said our sick girls were going to be sad and depressed the whole time they're gone anyhow? Knowing them, they'll be carefree and laughing in no time. Especially with our Rescue Rangers there to save the theri race from falling ill to melancholy and despair.”
Elektra stifled a giggle.
“Are you feeling at least somewhat better now?” Lyonesse asked.
Elektra nodded.
“That's much better. Now I suggest you go downstairs and get some sleep so that you'll be all ready to help me make people laugh tomorrow. We've got a tough crowd ahead of us…”
The two hugged tightly once more, not wanting to let go.
“Love you, Lyon.”
“Love you, ’Lektra.”
And with a quiet good night, Elektra got up and crept downstairs to rejoin the slumbering Pack.
Lyonesse watched the panther theri leave with a sigh. Elektra was only the smaller version of what she really wanted…but what she had told the younger girl was true. She needed to profit from her own advice…because deep down she knew she was feeling the exact same thing.
Feeling the familiar feelings that she hated and dreaded so much rise within her once again, she transformed, hiding within herself, shoving the feelings deep within her so that she could concentrate on the more important things.
Protecting my Pack…that's what's important. Making sure they are all right and all of them safe. That's what I need to do right now…
And with that, the lioness set off once more into the night.
It was when she stepped back out into the hallway that Lyonesse knew something was different.
She crossed over to the open window on the landing, a cool end-of-summer breeze drifting in through it, rippling her fur. For the lioness theri, the night sky was as bright as day, as were the tops of the trees that could be seen; and no plant or animal movement could escape her senses.
Stepping back slightly and sitting down, she looked over at her shadow beside the wall and concentrated, watching as the shadow grew taller and thinner, moving from four legs to two, until a young woman stood in the spot the lion once crouched.
Now using the eyes of a human woman, Lyonesse could see the black Colorado sky through the window, slate gray clouds rolling fast beneath the brightly-lit stars. The wind that blew in billowed her hair around her, ruffling the one white nightdress she owned—but also blowing in the faintest of scents…
With all the ease and practice of an experienced theri, she concentrated on her face as hard as she could, and slowly her nose began reforming, elongating and flattening itself against her face. Her eyes, as well, started to shift, the skeletal structure of her face widening and readjusting to fit the changes.
She knew that if someone were to walk in on her they'd be met with a freakish sight. She had parts of her head and face transformed, but none of the rest of her. She had her frontal face elongated but only part of the way—anymore and she would need to alter her neck and spinal cords to realign with her slightly changing skull.
Then, with a lion's much keener sense of smell and the perfect feline lens in which she could easily see through the darkness with, she turned all of her enhanced senses to the form she could now see scouting in the night.
Aha, she thought, slowly backing away from the window, the short fur and lion nose and eyes changing back into human ones with every step. Friend is ‘fowl’ and foul is fair—hover through fog and filthy—air!
And with that, a form glided in through the open window, wings spread wide, just clipping the frames. Lyonesse brought her arm up high and the night fowl swooped down and grabbed hold of her with his talons, coming to a rest. She winced—although an owl's talons weren't nearly as sharp as the falcon's she was used to, she knew there'd still be an ugly bruise forming later on.
“Hello there, Circuit,” she murmured, smoothing his ruffled feathers. “And what's the news from the Wolery?”
He gave a quiet hoot and fluttered to the floor where he started changing back. After a healthy breeze blew in, stirring the soft down feathers on the floor; where once a Great Horned Owl was, there now stood a young man with medium brown hair and startling blue eyes.
He made a face at her comment before replying, “Everything's fine. Odysseus was still watching over the west side last I saw, but the only movement from the feral side is from a few nocturnal theris on their end. And not any methodical or alarming behavior, either.”
She sighed in relief. When the nine sick theris had been moved to the hospital base in Montana earlier that day, quite a few of the Sanctuary's guards and wardens had to be moved with them, leaving less protection between the two sides of the Wall than any of them would have liked. What with that and the sure news that must be spreading throughout the ferals of the Pack being left without quite a few of their number as well as their alpha, it was much better to be safe than sorry.
“Thank you so much, Circuit,” she said. “I can't tell you enough what this means to us. Ever since you two came, things have been a lot easier on the night watches. Especially on Nanuq—he's been so uptight with this whole sickness thing, and now with Callisto gone…he's really going to need his rest.”
“Whatever we can do to help, Lady Lyra,” he replied with an encouraging smile, using the name only he ever called her.
“And I told you not to call me “lady”, Sir Merrick.”
He shrugged with a smile. “Every king needs his lady… and from what I've seen, you're set to be a queen.”
She was lucky it was so dark that he couldn't see her blush. Then he spread his arms wide and gave a sweeping bow, transforming as he did so—his arms arcing into wide, gracious wings, bowed head with his mop of brown hair changing into one with brown feathers. Once transformed completely, the owl came out of his bow and took off once more into the darkness.
The moon was hanging bright in the sky, casting a silvery glow over the rooftops, lake, and the curls of the young woman creeping out stealthily onto the grounds. A constant breeze rustled the long grass and tree branches, making her shiver underneath her nightdress.
She made her way to the lake, where a large boulder stood towering over a part of it, farther away from the Den than where everyone normally hung out. Lyonesse was over there so much, perched on the very top, that someone had jokingly called it Pride Rock and the name had stuck.
But it wasn't to the top that she was going to this time. She crept into a rather cave-like hole at the base, a crevice in between the two boulders, facing the water. It was dark in here…dark and quiet, free of the August breeze.
But not free of the thoughts and feelings that started to invade her human mind again.
Her Pack was all right (or the Pack that she was in charge of, in any case—she wasn't all too sure about the one Bast was with), everyone was safe and sleeping, and they had each other.
They were all right. So now, it was all right for her not to be.
But I don't…I don't want to feel this way. Not now, please…let me hold it off a little while longer…
Her feelings protested, but try as she might to contain them, they threatened to give way. She tried to stop them, slipping back into her animal form. It was easy to surrender her thoughts and feelings to that of the stronger lioness, calm and sure in the night when she could not be…
The lioness was much more open to being alone than she was. They were the only cats to live and survive as a group, depending on others as much as themselves, but there was such a spirit of independence that Lyonesse envied of her form.
The lion in her knew no hatred or fear, only the strong urge to protect her pride from all the perils they might encounter. She was always the first to step up and take charge of the others when the alpha of the pride could no longer lead, taking both responsibility and consequence head on. She would never let her guard down, always the first to know if any of them became endangered, and took charge, calculate, plan, gather, then execute, taking down each threat which such speed and force that her prey would be caught before it ever knew what hit it.
It was this that Lyonesse wanted to have so much…but knew that she could never have. She had felt that power once before…and it had cost seven men their lives and her…
Her own.
For the most part, she was all right with the small doses she could taste while in form. But there was always the human part of her that accompanied her into the lion's den. The frightened, self-conscious, apprehensive part that consumed all of her all the time…the hurt that she carried with her constantly…the fear…
She wanted so much to escape it, all of it. And all she had to do was surrender to her form completely—completely—with no strings attached, no links left behind, all threads severed between Lyra Valerius and Lyonesse…and she could be free.
All she had to do was become feral…and she was free of all of it.